30

I woke up pensive, trapped in a reflective string of memories of the years that had lead up to this point. I knew this day was coming and I told myself it would be another day just like every other one but there I was, locked into a train of thought careening through the past 30 years at breakneck speed. My youth was wonderful, loving family and an incredibly close group of friends. My teen years were full of love, lust, heartbreak, growth and a seemingly never ending quest to find myself. My twenties brought stability, real love, true self discovery and a nice balance of work and life outside of work, that they ended on a sour note and heartache like I’d never known don’t take away from them as a whole. So there I stood, staring at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, looking back at all that had transpired, could I have done anything differently, was it all worth it? Should I have prepared more? Or was it better to let it all happen in due time and learn as I went?

I feel like when I was eighteen, I had no fucking clue what I was going to do with my life, absolutely no idea of where to go, what to study, how to live, nothing. I left high school with an ambitious mind but completely absent a plan or even a rough outline. All my life to that point had been toward an end goal of graduating high school, the parts of it in between had all been random seasonings thrown in the pot. When I was twelve I knew what I wanted to be but after six more years of schooling and the giant wave of hormones that came hurtling through my physiology the focus that had been there was dissolved and by the time that final bell rang I had no idea what I was doing.

Of course if you asked me at the time not only did I have an idea but it was going perfectly and not a damn person was going to tell me differently. That’s youth.

I made mistakes, didn’t finish college, floated through space for awhile with no real direction but when I finally figured out what the hell I was doing I took off, maybe not always going Mach 1 but always with a steady hand at the wheel and a clear and focused mind sailing towards my target. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful family and friends who might as well be, I’ve traveled when I wanted to and seen places I’ve wanted to see. My life through all the ups and downs, and there were some really low downs at times, has been exactly what I’ve wanted whether it was part of the plan or not. I turned 30 today my twenties are gone now and even though it’s not really even close to old age, hell middle age is still a decade away, I felt like that last part of me that was the little kid with the glasses, the bright red hair and the can do attitude finally said goodbye, not that he’s gone forever or even really gone at all but he knows and I know that youth, like life, is fleeting.

Life is fleeting, like a strand of a spider’s silk dancing in the wind over a sunlit field on a summer’s day, here one minute gone the next. As we grow older I feel like we fall into complacency traps, we forget how easily it was to say screw it and go out and take that trip to Japan, or buy that car you’ve always dreamed of, ask out the girl or guy of your dreams. Don’t let life slip by without notice, go out there and live, be not afraid of what might happen. Roll with whatever hand you’re dealt.

– The Wandering Toto

2020